Falling Forward

                   
I am standing at the edge of cliff,  chained , bolted on the ground,
             My body, moving forward,
Falling forward,
          These chains hurt me.
I want to let go,
                 To jump,
       Into the water.
                      The chain is what keeps me alive
                      ...for now

You

As I was struggling to get off my tired conscious state, I happened to listen to Yiruma's piano pieces and I came across to his piano composition: "Maybe". Suddenly, I thought about this person, he popped into my mind when I heard the first few notes.

Hey…

I know it’s just been months since I met you.

I just want you to know that you can always talk to me,

If you need someone to talk to…

It’s stupid for me to care for someone like you

But I did this because you deserve it

After all you gave me light...

A hope, to become even stronger

I like the way you encourage me

I’m sorry for being annoying,

I show you my weakness

My mistake, I should show it to the Lord

Thanks anyway! For reminding me;

To always trust unto the Father,

For always reminding me that I have someone who is powerful

Who knows me better than anyone else…

Your smile,

 Although you don’t really do that;

It makes my heart light,

You know, forgetting all the stress?

I like it that way.

Please remain who you are.

You’ll never be mine, I know.

Don’t change? I can’t ask that.

If you ever change,

Be better than before;

So that I’ll have more reasons to adore you

(I'm not sure if this literary piece is in its correct form(?) I just want to express my thoughts towards this person I'm thinking about now...)

To The One I Really Cared...

People declare that it is Love, but for me; it was nothing. They make a fuss about it but I just shook it off, their noises are like dust landing on my clothes (I shake it off). You have been away for long and still I never knew that I lied to myself. I thought I never cared. I thought I lost my innocence; but it was ME whom I could not get rid off.

I admit that I never prayed for you because I always forget. It is partly my fault that I wasn’t doing my job as a Christian. My fault! my fault! Dear God, forgive me. I have learned my lesson; pain struck me like a spear. I never knew, I never knew.

But,why do I care for you? You are undeserving, but I’m going to do my job to please the King.  I just forgot, I’m sorry….

I never knew that it hurts to know the truth. I wanted more sugar to coat the horrible lie but what’s done is done. I ask myself; is it too late?

It's hard to say

I don’t know what to say …

For I am a girl who has difficulty in expressing her feelings in words.

I know that I am high maintenance.

I’m trying my best to obey and to stick to you.

Dear Lord, please send out more challenges that I could face

For I know that I only look up to you when I get hurt

And if that’s what it takes for me to remember you: Let it be.

Dear Lord, You’ve been patient for I sometimes communicate to you,

For I come home, tired. Physically but my spirit yells Pray!

For I am pre-occupied with my material priorities,

Dear God I want you to be my priority!

If I could handle school as a must,

THEN IT IS A SHAME

For I have forgotten you

Dear Lord,

Dear Lord, I want this to work

I want my body and my spirit

To search for you

Yet…

Lord God, for I am a girl and you know me

That I cannot express my feelings in words

Yet I know that my heart speaks for more

Listen to my heart that’s hurt

In Just a sip of coffee

Oh, how dear, so warm
Your color and your scent;
Makes me want to close my eyes;
And feel the stress away.
I took a sip of your taste
My tongue feels your hotness;
Hurting my little taste buds;

I close my eyes as the liquid travels;
Deep down into my belly,
Ah! Yes, that's more like it!
How you massage my head;
To get rid of the stress,

You put me into rest, my dear.
I guess my coins were at worth
It got rid of my stress;
In just a sip of coffee...

To the one who gave birth to me

To the one who gave birth to me…

January 1, 1959-September 16, 2009

You suffered an unbearable pain while putting me into this world. You had to spend 24 hours just to feed me, to teach me, to look after me. You had to work a lot of hours cleaning every mess I make. And yet, I treated you as if you were invisible.

I have to admit, I always thought that I was born here accidentally. No, I always thought that God accidentally made you as my mother. I was even jealous of the others, having a perfect mother to look after them. Not realizing that God gave me the perfect mother that loved me unconditionally.

During Mother’s day, the children buy roses for their mother’s. All I did was to ask you money for me buy an ice cream. Instead of celebrating your birthday, I keep forgetting that it was your birthday and at the same time I was enjoying New Year’s Eve instead.

And on that day, yes, it’s still fresh in my mind; it was the day before God took you away. I never listened to your words of wisdom which was supposed to guide me when I grow up. Instead of lending my ears to you, I sent you words. They were like bullets of a rifle gun, stuck inside your flesh. Still, you managed to survive the attack while I walked out and slammed the door.

It was noon, when I opened the door and no one was there. I still remember the words I uttered to myself; Geez mom, why can’t you at least clean the house.  Not knowing that you were going to give out your last breath after a couple of hours.

When I saw you lying in that bed, with all the machines keeping you alive, I myself died a little inside. I had to wake up with my face looking like a mess and had to go to school to escape the guilt.

On that night, I saw your perfect smile.  Goodness mother, you never fail to smile during the toughest times. Your smile was perfect, and it was the last thing I cherished before they closed the coffin and buried you. Even though I was not there during your last breath, at least Dad was there to see you smile when death finally became part of you.

But my dear mother, because of your death, I received the greatest person who volunteered to guide me, to look after me, and most of all to love me perfectly. Yes, mother, the one that wanted you with him. The one who knew me before I was in your womb. Oh mother, you never fail to look after me.

With your essence inside me, I promise you this; I will make you proud. No matter what, I will never forget the one who brought me into this world.

Fallen god of the unreal world

Here I am, been stuck in this quiet world for months. Still thinking of what to do, what to think about and of course, what to put into the unreal world. My mind’s pre-occupied by the things the ‘other world” tells me to do. I took a deep breath, even though I put myself into rest, still my mind wanders off to the “unreal world” looking for ideas, looking for an inspiration. My mind is another living creature aside of me. It travels to the unreal world while the body acts like a container; A voodoo doll to describe it better.

I have created a lot, and my works praise me as a god. But now, their “god” has nothing in mind anymore. The other world just invaded my heart, thus creating fear and anxiety. Because of that, I slowly lost my ability to create another “living creature” to the unreal world of mine.

Two different worlds, two different living beings; the other an empty container and the other, a soul. One thing is for sure, is that I lacked time and inspiration to rebuild my “unreal world” just as the days of my youth.